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From Conflict To Caring Workbook Samples

The 'Coming Together for Life-
Stop Arguing & Start Understanding Each Other'
Workbook for Couples

Once you experience the effectiveness of the methods below you'll want the whole workbook.
Scroll down the page or select from these 5 samples of workbook topics to see how this manual can help your relationship become better and better!

Stop Destructive Arguing Before Bad Things Happen

"One reason you're still arguing with someone is because you're
still in the room available for arguing." -Marc Sadoff, MSW, BCD

"Wish I had taken a time out." -
Anonymous and divorced because fights kept escalating.

The Time Out Commitment Please read the following paragraph and ask yourself which of these values you can feel genuine in saying out loud to your partner. Both partners make the following commitment out loud to each other. I am committed to not tolerating hostility, rejection or abandonment in my relationship with you. If you tell me that you feel intimidated or belittled by me I will stop speaking about you and let you leave the room to take a time out, or I will leave the room. If I leave then I will state a time that I will return to finish talking more respectfully about the problem . I will not prevent you from leaving the room, or continue to shame you if you say you're taking a 'time out'. I seek progress and not perfection. If I cannot reasonably honor this time out commitment then I must admit that I am 'out of my own control' and will put more effort into changing by going to anger management classes, groups, religious counselors or individual therapy. The solution for stopping an argument before it turns destructive is for the couple to learn to take "Time Outs" early enough so that the passion of the moment does not have couples saying and doing things they regret later. I know it sounds simple, but that's why it works. I've worked in domestic violence men's groups for 12 years and can tell you that 80% of the men who attend our anger groups were arrested for an incident that involved someone trying to leave the room. Or because someone made abandoning or rejecting statements just to make their point or get through to the other person.   Rules of a Time Out Make sure the agreement about time outs is secured before the conflict begins. Make these agreements now, before you need it! Use the phrase "I'm taking a time out.". This makes it official. State that "This doesn't feel constructive" or "I want to understand what you're saying to me but I can't listen to you now. I'm too mad (or defensive)." Just make sure the words 'time out' are used. The person who takes the time out says "I'll be back by _____ (time) and that we'll talk about this subject later in a more respectful way

Taking 'time outs' is the cornerstone of restoring trust within a relationship that has been damaged by intimidation and dominance. The time out commitment is presented with an emphasis on both parties making the commitment out loud to each other and following it up with successfully practicing the method, especially using it before you think you need to use it.     "Wish we'd taken a time out sooner!!!! It's the most common statement made by both partners after bad things have happened is that they say Seeing evidence of the partner's attention to physical and emotional safety can allow one to begin to trust that these terrible build ups to explosive anger, hostility or violence are becoming a thing of the past. Using time outs is also the measuring stick with which someone who feels abused can make a decision about staying in the relationship any longer. If a respectful request to agree to the guidelines of a time out is turned down by a partner then the impossibility of achieving safety becomes absolutely evident. The person who won't agree to the rules of time out is saying "I reserve my right to use intimidating, controlling and hostile tactics to get what I want".   Without an explicit agreement between partners, what happens when someone tries to end an argument because it's getting too intense, angry or destructive? I probably don't have to tell you that the one who is left behind feels abandoned, rejected and furious. The questions, exercises and advice given here will ABSOLUTELY WORK if you both make the commitments to each other. The time out section continues with knowing when to take time outs and identifying warning signs that anger is becoming destructive. Warn-ing signs include thoughts, feelings and body sensations which can be watched for as cues that one is close to losing control. These cues then become the trigger for taking a time out. When coming back after a time out it's most helpful to focus on issues of responsibility and empathy by directing thoughts to being able to make statements like....continued in the workbook.

©2005 Pacific Skills Training- All rights reserved.

The missing piece when there's blaming communication is "I need...", "I want...", "I feel..."
or "It makes me think that...".Sometimes anger is expressed by blaming the other person and doesn't include an expression of what's going on inside of the person who is expressing the feeling. In short, the person expresses 'This is what's wrong with YOU!' rather than "This is how I'm affected!"

As long as a person is talking about what she thinks, feels, fantasizes or wants then there is less reason for the partner to feel threatened or provoked. This style of communicating is often called making 'I statements.' The value of using 'I statements' is that there is no labeling or mind reading of the other person's motivation or intent. When 'I statements' are used as shown here in the Empathic Request method developed by Pacific Skills Training, there is also an 'out' given. An out is when a person says what he or she needs to feel satisfied. A request is made for both understanding and for action. Since a request is made, it can be responded to and granted. Men especially need to know that there is something that can be done to satisfy their partners. When no request is made the expression of frustration becomes just a spewing of feelings, too often giving the listener too many options of responding. The result is usually a defensive response. If practiced the 'empathic request' model will eliminate the bulk of the needless arguments that occur because of character attacks or not saying what is wanted or needed to end the conflict. Expressing Anger & Making Requests Is This About Me, Or Is This About You? Talking about your needs and feelings instead of labeling the other. I cannot argue with what my partner thinks, feels, wants or perceives as long as s/he states it as an "I statement" (ie. It makes me think....; It makes me feel...etc.) If I say to you that I felt hurt, sad or angry, how can you argue with that? Can you say "You shouldn't feel that." Or worse yet "You can't have that thought." Or the most violating comeback - "No, you don't have that feeling. I know better than you what you're feeling." And it's always negative. I can say how I'm affected, after I've listened all the way through. Many arguments escalate because one person is presuming to have the authority to pass judgment on whether or not their partner should be allowed to "have a thought or feeling." One rule in our workshops is that NO ONE CAN BE ATTACKED OR CRITICIZED FOR STATING HONESTLY WHAT THEY THINK OR FEEL. So if someone states an "I message" (ie. "I think ____." or "It makes me feel_____.") there can be no argument about the fact that the feeling exists. It obviously does exist. The issue really is how does that AFFECT the other person? So after acknowledging having heard the other's thoughts and feelings, it is very appropriate to say "This is how what you said affects me." Now you are talking in the 'This is about me.' realm. When you respond to someone else's thoughts or feelings by telling them that they shouldn't or didn't have those thoughts or feelings then you are operating in the realm of 'This is about you.'   IT IS ALWAYS VIOLATING, DESTRUCTIVE AND PROVOCATIVE TO COMMUNICATE TO OTHERS THAT THEY DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO DEFINE THEIR OWN THOUGHTS OR FEELINGS!  Even when there is no direct shaming or dismissal of a person's 'I statement' there can be a real sense of invalidation when the statement is avoided, interrupted or ignored. For example, Martha says to Gene "I felt hurt that you didn't get me a birthday card." Gene's first response is to tell her how busy he's been. Because his first response to Martha's expression of feelings was to explain his point of view she rightly sees that his priority is to defend himself; and not that he cares about what her experience is. So she gets a sense of Gene's values by the nature of his first responses to her expression of feelings. It's more important for him to defend his point of view than to empathize with her feeling. Seeing that Gene doesn't care about her disappointment Martha grows even more angry during this exchange. Only now it has less to do with the forgotten card than it does with the fact that Gene doesn't seem to care about how she feels. She's run into this many times before with Gene.

Almost every time she tries to express a feeling he takes it personally and immediately defends himself.  Even when her feelings do not involve him Gene somehow manages to make Martha feel bad or wrong about her feelings. She thinks Gene talks down to her like she was a little girl, who needed her daddy to tell her the right way to feel or think. Now they're off and running with a contentious argument. The reason for the argument is not the card incident. That was only the trigger for Martha's longstanding resentment that Gene has trouble listening to her feelings. Gene is probably anxious around her emotions because he doesn't know how simple it is to tend to her hurt feelings. He is busy avoiding being seen as responsible for her feelings. In that effort he makes it clear he doesn't care about her. He would benefit a lot from the chapter on 'First Pants....then Shoes' about how to listen to person who is angry. He could have ended the argument easily if he had first said "You're right, it was insensitive of me to forget your card. I know I've done that in the past also. I don't want to make you feel unimportant to me. I'm going to make it important to me in the future to remember these things." In the example above, is Martha making a statement about Gene or about herself? Because she used the 'I statement' method of saying "I feel _____ ." it's clear that she was simply expressing her feelings. She was saying "This is about me!" Gene may be hearing something completely different. He may be hearing a statement about him. He hears it as "This is about you, Gene!" If he hears it as a statement or definition of his character then he may feel compelled to defend himself. So naturally he explains himself and offers excuses or reasons that justify his lapse of remembering to get Martha the card. He is defending his character and feels attacked by her expression of feeling. Since Gene's first response is dedicated to defending himself against what he perceives as a character attack, Martha experiences him as not caring about her feelings. Gene may indeed care about Martha's disappointment, but because he responded first by rationalizing his mistake he conveys to her that his priority is to protect his good name. So Martha has a legitimate reason for thinking that he doesn't care about her. So often, this is the nature of arguments when the real subject is "I don't feel cared about or valued." but the argument appears to be about other things. If people, especially men, could begin to allow their partners to express this feeling without immediately defending it they would avoid getting into deeper trouble by trying to defend themselves. Asking yourself "Is this about me, or is this about you?" before you speak when you're angry, or when listening to your partner's anger, is a great method of good communication. The guideline is this- When you are angry make the comments in the form of "This is about me." "This is how I was affected by you." When you are listening to another's anger then listen with the framework of "This is about you (her feelings, his experience)" This works best if you can also say how you are involved in creating the experience of your partner. When emotions are running high it's extremely helpful to have a set statement ready at the tip of your tongue that you can rely on because you've memorized it. You simply fill in the blanks with the thoughts and feelings that you're having and VOILA you've made your 'I statement'. Now you're ten times less likely to provoke the other, by labeling or mind reading; and also more likely to have your partner HEAR and respond to what you're thinking and feeling. The exact sentences to use are not as important as capturing the spirit of simply expressing what you think and feel; rather than labeling, shaming or mind reading the other person's intentions. Use the written format provided in the workbook and express the next 20 shaming and blaming statements using the empathic request model. The suggested sentences which we recommend as a starting place are.....

©2005 Pacific Skills Training- All rights reserved.

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